Jokes

First, some short Jokes;

Q: Why do accountants make good lovers?
A: They’re great with figures.

Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can’t.

What’s the worst thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Accountant after reading nursery rhyme to his son;   “No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t be tax deductble, but I like your thinking!”

Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: They found out that deep down we’re really not so bad.

What’s the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.

What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular

What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

What did the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of accountants threaten to do if his demands weren’t met?
Release one every hour.

What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count and those who can’t.

How do you know when an accountant’s on holidays?
He doesn’t wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.

Laws of Accounting
1.  Trial balances don’t
2.  Bank reconciliations never do
3.  Working Capital does not
4.  Return on Investments never will

A fool and his money are soon audited

Accountants carry their calculations to two decimal points just to prove they have a marvellous sense of humour

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

Accountants aren’t boring people. They just get excited over boring things.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

Have you got any more short jokes? Leave a comment!

And now some longer jokes;

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man, “but mainly I m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.” “How do you mean?” says the accountant. “I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.” “OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?” “You can start on seventy-five thousand,” says the owner. “Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?” “That,” says the man, “is your first worry.”

The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. “Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” “Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometres, say a Mercedes convertible.” The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?” “Yeah. But you started it.”

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?” “Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of  ’em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint. “Give me all your money”, he says. The muggee is indignant. “You can’t do this,” he yells. “I’m an HMRC agent. “In that case,” says the mugger, “give me all MY money.”

It’s Halloween and when the man answers his door, there’s a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says “Trick or treat”. The man’s a bit confused so he asks the boy what he’s dressed up as. “I’m an HMRC agent”, says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

An HMRC agent is lying on his psychiatrist’s couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. “Nonsense”, says his doctor. “Everyone in the world doesn’t hate you. Everyone in the United Kingdom, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”


An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, “I like both.” “Both?” The accountant replied “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week”. The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The accountant said, “Look I’m an accountant. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

If you know of any more funny jokes, please leave me a comment.

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10 responses

5 02 2010
gerdbath

Hi! i’m new here and would like to introduce myself

I’m from Luxembourg and come to this forum from search engine.

Nice to meet you all 🙂

8 02 2010
keepersacc

Nice to meet you too, hope you are enjoying the content! 🙂

12 02 2010
CagloyalKax

Hi, as you can see this is my first post here.
Hope to receive some assistance from you if I will have any quesitons.
Thanks and good luck everyone! 😉

12 02 2010
keepersacc

Hi,

If you ever have any questions, please feel free to leave a comment and i’ll answer them 🙂

15 02 2010
Cheap Breakdown Cover

I don’t generally react to posts but I am going to in this instance. WoW !!

25 02 2010
Viromike

Hi everybody! I do not know where to begin but hope this place will be useful for me.
I will be happy to get any help at the beginning.
Thanks and good luck everyone! 😉

16 03 2010
enecreshy

Enjoying reading the posts here, thanks.

19 04 2010
Lymnwalay

Whats up dudes

This is my first post here.. Hello to everyone!

See you

20 04 2010
keepersacc

Hello, welcome to my blog; I hope that you are finding the posts useful, come back soon! 🙂

5 07 2010
Gremegonuargo

Hey Guys! Just wanted to say hello to the new community :). Thanks for letting me in! 😀

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